I think that at some point, most of my clients have worked with “being seen.”

And for anyone who works for themselves, it is a constant undercurrent.

Not everyone has a bind-up around visibility, of course. But it is a fairly common occurrence for those socialized as women in our society.

So often, we have been taught to (or traumatized into) work around the edges, fill needs without being asked, and not ask for recognition or dispensation.

This way of operating can lead to all kinds of stuckness in our bodies and habits.

Many physically shrink and have big emotions when given a genuine compliment, especially upon being asked to pause and actually notice it land. When we have contorted ourselves so much to fit in and not make waves in the past, being singled out in a good way often feels even worse than a negative comment- something we can armor up against.

Other clients crave visibility, but struggle to put themselves out there at all. There is always a reason not to.

Or it can look like doing the thing, putting yourself out there, but it’s not actually you. Dry writing that has no hint of the person behind it, or having a tone/flavor that doesn’t quite match the words.

So my clients work on this, often again and again, because it’s a tricky, complex pattern held in our bodies.

It’s not a one-and-done kinda thing, this being seen!

The topic has been on my mind this week because I have seen it an astounding number of times in the last seven days. And I have been putting myself forward.

I was socialized to stay small and functional by this culture, and my body holds trauma patterns around being seen and asking for what I want. I have done an unending amount of work around it, and will keep doing so.

Over the past weekend, I spent assisting with an SE training module, when I was observed doing my work, whether explicitly by someone I deeply respect or by people in the area, I didn’t bat an eye.

After all the work I have done, both on my own patterns and in my professional capacity as a practitioner, I felt solid and confident in my work. And more to the point, having observers wasn’t a big enough deal to throw me.

Of course, I still took the time with my practitioner to make sure that it all landed. Mainly because, in the context of a training weekend, there isn’t time to integrate as you go.

I also asked for what I wanted. In this case, it was regarding the upcoming training assistance I’m providing in Europe.

Turns out I need to submit a video recording of me giving a client session. To be evaluated for skill. My skill.

So I got right on it. I recorded two sessions yesterday, and hope to do another today.

This is a big deal. It would have been insurmountable a few years ago.

And it’s not, at this point.

The being seen in these instances is only one kind.

Over the last year or so, I have also found myself less bound up about putting myself and my work “out there,” for you all to see.

And even more stretchy for me, explicitly for marketing purposes.

I have also watched several of my clients come further and further into their own abilities to be themselves publicly.

Less hiding. Less help for no recognition. Less apologetic about putting themselves forward.

Perhaps this is another example of synchronicities and rhyming. Maybe it’s just the kind of things that many of us struggle with.

Either way, I am proud of myself and my clients.

We are doing awesome!

There’s being seen, and then there is the need for validation.

I was talking with a colleague yesterday. Someone I went through SE training with and have done some peer supervision with on and off over the last few years.

I respect them for their therapeutic practice, insights, and understanding of SE.

They reflected that they’ve watched me gain a “wealth of skill and precision”. And that they appreciate how I convey it as feedback and ideas within the context of our peer-to-peer consultation.

I took that in with pleasure. Both because I know it’s true, and because it means a lot coming from someone I respect.

Validation.

Praise.

What’s the recipe? How do we hear and receive it?

On my end, the validation I find most valuable is when someone (often a client) discusses their own work or what they’ve gained from me, using keywords or language I use when considering my work behind the scenes.

Somehow, if I hear the exact words that I privately use, it strikes a chord that resonates with me.

If you’d asked me a few years ago how often that would happen, I would have guessed it to be scarce.

This is language that only my close circle knows I use about myself and my work. Some of it is on my site, but let’s face it, who goes back and remembers what someone has said about themselves after that first read?

Instead, I hear it all the time.

It reinforces, for me, how important it is to anchor in who I am and what I offer. Because it comes through loud and clear.

If I’m not clear, then that will come through, too!

In the past, I would have said that I never got validation or praise.

It’s far more likely that I couldn’t look at myself without seeing only criticism. So if anyone said anything that wasn’t that, I wasn’t available for it.

Confidence and self-knowledge are crucial as a baseline for receiving and accepting validation. There has to be a foundation to build upon.

This is another example of what the work of Renaturing, with Somatic Experiencing, can do, and has done for me. When you learn how to look at yourself with curiosity and compassion, more becomes possible.

Looking at your own emotions, sensations, patterns, and triggers can be challenging at first. Especially if, like me, your life’s goal has always been to disappear!

But then you begin to become your own friend. And then to love yourself the same way you love anyone that you know well.

And when you are friendly with or loving of yourself, when you know yourself, it’s possible to accept that others do, too. Other people can know you, see you, and love you.

Their validating words can filter through to your heart and mind because they echo what you have already seen and know.

I know I have become an excellent practitioner and facilitator.

I know what I offer and how I see and talk about it.

It means that I receive validation all the time. Clients, colleagues, mentors, teachers. I get the words that matter.

But mostly, it means that I hear it. It lands.

I suspect I have had those words said to me all my life.

And I bet the people who did so in the past were sad or pissed off that I never heard them.

Who do you hear praise from? When does it matter?

Clients? Colleagues? Mentors? Teachers? Partners? Parents? Friends? Strangers?

Do you have to respect them? What if you really respect them?

Seriously. Take a minute and ponder this exercise.

Are there areas of your life that you already own, in which you can receive compliments?

Are there areas where you are desperate for validation? Do you know your own worth, there?