Coping strategies. Trauma patterns. Resources.

These are all different things. I could sit here and explain what each one is and what it might look like.

And yet.

In the day-to-day slog, they get all kinds of muddy.

Am I reaching for chocolate as a coping strategy or as a resource? Or has it become a trauma pattern?

It might be controversial, but in the middle of a tough moment, I’m not sure it matters.

Will the chocolate make me feel a little better? Will I enjoy it? Will it bring me a welcome pause?

I kinda think these are more important questions.

Which I still might not have the bandwidth to consider in the moment.

Eat the chocolate.  (Unless you are allergic or diabetic, or it’ll physically hurt you for another reason. Then, reach for something less toxic for you.)

One of my coping strategies… trauma patterns… resources(?) is to push through and do the thing. This is usually regarding a physical task. I hit a wall, and stride right past.

A couple of weeks ago, I did just that. I was moving furniture and the rest of my belongings, and felt quite alone, surrounded by people who loved me.

What did I do? Put my head down and moved it all (with help) on a broken foot.

I cried on and off all day, not because of the task, but because of the pain in my foot, the fear of damaging it further, and the exasperation of feeling so alone. Oh, and I hadn’t eaten all day.

Nervous system-wise, I had clicked into overwhelm, cried often to let off just enough steam to keep moving, and kept going.

At the end of the day, I was praised for what I had accomplished. And I realized that that’s why I did it. I have always been praised for pushing past my own limits and boundaries. That is when I received the most praise and validation, and I have been so proud of that ability.

Whew!

That was a helluva realization. No wonder I shut down on my own feelings and limitations.

When I was praised that day, I realized how toxic (to myself) it was to have that, that day.

I was pissed. I’m a trauma practitioner, dammit! What am I thinking, allowing myself to keep falling back on trauma patterns and coping strategies?

Then I drank water, ate food, and rested a bit (while driving).

And realized something else.

I tell clients all the time that those strategies and patterns will always be there to fall back on. Our work is not taking away their ability to make it through tough times. They can fall back on those patterns.

There’s no shame in it.

Ha!

Yeah, well… that helped a little.

And days later, when I had my books around me again, and my foot had stopped hurting as much as when I first broke it, I felt even less shame.

Instead, I was able to look at myself with compassion and grace.

We are never truly done with our healing.

And not in a bad way: like, oh, man, I’m so damaged I’ll never get any better.

Instead, it’s more of a: I’ve made it through so much, and I get to keep seeing what it’s done to and for me.

I think that if I thought I was altogether healed, I’d stop looking at myself. I could do some serious damage to myself and others that way.

I will always have that learned ability to push through everything if I decide I need to. But those times when I need to will become fewer and fewer, dwindling to when there is an honest-to-gawd emergency. And then I will use all my skills, and someone else’s, to sort through what just happened.