Walk With Me is an ongoing video series where I invite you to join me while I take some time to check in with myself. It’s all spontaneous, just like Somatic Experiencing — I like to slow down and see where my mind and body take me. I hope you enjoy watching the video or reading the transcript below, and thanks for spending a moment of your day with me.
Hey, I’m guarding my chin–or my double chin–one way or the other. So I have stuff to talk about again. So let’s see where I’m walking at the same time.
Let’s see. I was thinking about… Oh, you gotta see this. I’m gonna give myself another tangent. No, I’m not ADHD at all, you can tell. This stream has been frozen over completely but you see the ice, it’s like completely, it looks to me like it has thawed, the top layer has thawed and then refrozen some. So it’s got these beautiful ice crystals like long ice crystals and water moving through.
Let’s see. I was thinking… I was thinking… Oh dear. Maybe I’ll just… Maybe I’ll just talk about where I’m walking. Where I’m walking. It’s this really beautiful day in the middle of January. It’s clear and hazy direction depending on which way you look and it’s 37, 38 and has been for a couple days, which means that all the stuff that had been snow and ice has just turned to ice. I think we’re gonna switch sides again.
Everything ends. Everything ends. So I mean, we can look at that like: we all die. Sure, absolutely. But have you ever…
I mean, I think… Okay, So I run in some circles that are woo-woo. I have considered myself woo-woo adjacent for a long time. I don’t know where I’m at now. I think I’m more solidly there than not. More solidly there than not. But I run in circles where astrology is a big thing and shadow work and some kind of deep stuff.
I was just doing a podcast with a couple of friends and we were talking about how that’s kind of a thread that weaves through all of our work, is working with trauma and shadow work and death, and how it’s not so much that we’re comfortable with it, though I think depending on who we are, we are comfortable with it.
I tend to be comfortable with it. But I was thinking about talking about how things are really hard to end. Things are really hard to decide sometimes because there’s pain, there’s wounding, and things are complicated, right? Life is hard. And I find it fascinating that throughout my life once I have made a decision, everything is better.
Like I just feel better. Once I’ve made a decision, I feel better. Even if it’s a decision that’s going to end up with a lot of pain. And, sacrifice. So, deciding that I was going to do the Somatic Experiencing training was a huge relief to just go ahead and decide it even though physically I was in a terrible place when it started.
Like, I could barely sit upright. I was a mess. Deciding that I was going to go overseas for the last year of it. And how could I possibly manage to afford that? And I couldn’t personally afford it and because I made the decision, I found a way for it to work.
And I’m divorced and when I decided to leave my ex-husband, things just kind of relaxed and released within me. And so there’s this… I think that I personally get really bound up around things and as soon as I make a decision… I mean it’s awful to make a decision.
It’s terrible and so I get bound and bound and bound and wound so tight and I mean it could be any kind of decision. It could be what I’m getting on the menu but it’s it’s exhausting and it’s scary and it’s activating and it’s necessary. And I think it’s likely that I have to go through the whole process every single time of agony. Every time.
And then the decision gets to be made. And it could be a happy decision, it could be a sad decision. It doesn’t matter. There’s relief. There’s relief. It’s like, oh, okay, now I have a direction to point.
And I was spinning in circles before. And, and I wonder if any of you do the same thing. I’d be really curious to know if I’m the only person that does that, or if there’s other folks that do that. So let me know and I’ll talk to you next time.
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